Fragile Hands
by Ara Vitus
Summary: A sorrowful goodbye is exchanged from one distant soul to a companion left in the dark. Memories of the past drown her in the foolish ignorance she lived in as he suffered in silent isolation. Inspired by the song Giant Hands (Dog and Panther)


I stared at the screen vacantly as green tinted tears shaded the crimson goodbye resting at the bottom of a newly opened chat window. A promise of never seeing him again clung heavily to my heart as I wondered what led to my dear friend's decision to end his current life with us all. Memories of our past experiences together flooded my sorrowful thinkpan, creating a clear path for the young outcast to follow away from my protective grasp. I watched tears fall onto the keyboard as he either awaited my disapproval or his husktop awaited a message it would never be able to properly deliver.

* * *

"H3y K4nny, 1sn't your wr1ggl1ing d4y soon? Or d1d you forg3t l1k3 l4st t1m3?" The troll in question looked up from his book in a somewhat dazed manner as if he wasn't concentrating on anything. He hardly registered it was Latula who commented on his absent-mindedness.

"9h, right. I ap9l9gise f9r the apparent neglect 9f my previ9us wriggling day. I supp9se I sh9uld d9 s9mething this time." The mutant troll gazed at the words on his book without really acknowledging what he was looking at. Though he was surrounded by his rather diverse group something felt off that day. He couldn't seem to connect to anything around him.

"Are you alright, Kankri? You seem a 8it out of it today." He glanced toward his cobalt-blooded friend, smiling softly in a way he found oddly hard to do.

"I'm just tired. I have n9t 6een sleeping well lately is all. I didn't mean t9 w9rry any9ne." A crude snort from beside the bespectacledtroll made Kankri tense slightly, a feeling he normally didn't have around his friends.

"As if we would actually mind. Could you be more spacey like this all the time? My ears deserve a break from these redonk speeches you and Aranea force on us." It was obvious the tyrannical fish troll had more to say, but a glare from irritated jade eyes stopped her before another sentence could get out. The same eyes locked onto soft red ones as the owner spoke up.

"Kanny, yo+u really o+ught to+ take better care o+f yo+urself. Yo+u can't be staying up late like this all the time." She chided softly from his side, receiving only a half-hearted sigh in response as opposed to the usual annoyed groan he would give when she babied him.

"I'm n9t a wriggler anym9re, P9rrim, I can take care 9f myself." He replied, a long pause filling in where he would have usually scolded her back for the inappropriate treatment. The rainbow drinker waited for at least a witty comeback, but the nubby-horned troll instead returned to leafing through his paperback story.

"You sick or somethin'? I'vwe nevwer heard you this quiet before. Or is this some sort of social test to see if wve all act the same wvhen you don't?" While the comment sparked a conversation among the rest of the group which led to a long argument, it only made the scarlet-eyed troll stare off into the distance as if nothing was said. Though he would normally fuss over the many triggering things said within the argument, this time he couldn't find it in himself to even acknowledge the words being said around him.

A few minutes into the argument, Kankri rose and silently drifted from the congregation, only jade eyes glancing at his empty spot minutes after it was abandoned.

* * *

I felt like a fool when I thought about that day. He had shown the signs of depression no less than two weeks prior to today. A few rings from my husktop made my mind snap back to the present situation, more red colouring my screen. The manner was different than it typically was for the chatty boy; the text was scattered and short instead of condensed and lengthy. I read each entry as if he was speaking directly to me. I could almost hear his voice waver in the way it would when he was younger and less proud.

'Y9u'll always 6e here with me

Y9u're far t99 nice,

Y9u're heart is twice the size and 6reath 9f mine

I w9n't 6e here f9rever 6ut right n9w y9u're what I need

There's n9t 9ne f9r every9ne

6ut this is the cl9sest I'll ever 6e'

He stopped typing for a moment and I wondered again if he wanted a response or not. I would have responded but I couldn't find it in myself to calm my emotional instability. As I readied myself to type he started again. I wondered if maybe he paused for the same reason I couldn't begin; the thought made me realise I'd never seen the boy cry for the long amount of time I'd known him.

'And it scared y9u h9w tightly I was h9lding,

And it scared me t9 let g9

Y9u never t9ld me I was needed

Y9u just left me all al9ne'

It was as if I was hearing his true feelings for the first and last time, a wave a nausea rushing over me at the last line. "I left yo+u alo+ne, Kanny? Why didn't yo+u co+me talk to+ me. I didn't mean to+ push yo+u away." I realise I'm tripping over my own pathetic apology as if he could actually hear me, my fingers refusing to type down what I so desperately wanted him to know. The ruby expression from my dear, sweet friend reminded me of another moment within the previous weeks that I wished I had paid more attention to. I glanced over at the chair where he sat not even a week ago on a rare occasion of him visiting me to chat.

* * *

"I'm s9rry t9 69ther y9u, P9rrim, I just wanted t9 get 9ut 9f my hive. Th9ugh I supp9se g9ing int9 an9ther hive defeats the purp9se." The flustered yet solemn red-blood stated under his breath, something his mid-blooded friend found odd but let slide.

"No+ need to+ apo+lo+gise, Kanny. Yo+u kno+w I always welco+me yo+u o+ver. Fo+r o+nce, let us no+t recall when Aranea and I had started being matesprites. That was a different circumstance and yo+u kno+w it." Porrim expected a quick rebuttal the same usual nonsense Kankri would pull whenever that situation was brought up. While it was intended to lighten the grave atmosphere the boy brought to her hive that day it only seemed to worsen things.

"N9, I sh9uldn't have tried t9 interrupt y9ur time with y9ur matesprite. It was rude 9f me t9 6elieve y9u w9uld 6e 9kay

with me c9ming 6y at such sh9rt n9tice." The cold tone was directly more inward than the girl took it as she huffed out an annoyed sigh.

"Yo+u do+ no+t have to+ be so+ humble, Kankri, o+f co+urse I sho+uld have had time fo+r yo+u. It isn't like matespriteship means anything when it co+mes to+ my quadrants, do+es it?" She snapped back, playing along with the usual banter. However this time was different. This time instead of brushing off the blatant hint of how he was a narcissist, the somehow smaller looking troll seemed to pull more into himself subconsciously. It was almost as if he had been genuinely hurt by the words this time around even though they were said often in various manners.

"I supp9se I 9ught t9 just leave y9u al9ne. I truly didn't want t9 6e a 6urden 9n y9u, P9rrim." The words this time around were softer, more vulnerable sounding, almost as if he was fighting either immense sadness or rage. At the time she hadn't noticed. At the time she thought it was some sort of jab against her as almost everything he said was when they spoke.

"Ho+nestly, Kanny, co+uld we skip the petty bashing fo+r o+nce? I am tired and just no+t in the mo+o+d to+ go+ back and fo+rth abo+ut no+thing with yo+u." Porrim replied, irritation and exhaustion backing her cruel words. An uncomfortable silence filled the space between them as jade eyes ignored Kankri's attempt to make eye contact. While the tired troll expected only a gaze of disapproval and judgement as she often found from the other, the scarlet eyes conveyed a sense of isolation she only half noticed before the boy stood up. "Kanny? Sit do+wn, yo+u must have had a reaso+n fo+r visiting. It is unlike yo+u to+ do+ this so+rt o+f thing. So+ what was the reaso+n?" A visible shudder shook through her visitor as he turned and opened her door.

"I...it's n9thing...I...I'm s9rry t9 have imp9sed up9n y9ur space s9 rudely. I'll just...I'll leave y9u al9ne." Porrim watched him leave her without another chance to talk, the words hardly reaching her as he'd muttered them softly during the sudden departure. On that day she figured he just wasn't feeling well. She never noticed the reddened streaks that coloured his face.

* * *

Thinking back to the night made me loathe myself. It was obvious he was hurting. I made my way for the door when another ring from my husktop stopped me. As much as I wanted to run to his hive before he did anything I wanted to talk to him first and maybe calm him down. Though it wouldn't be easy to calm someone who hardly shows this sort of emotion openly. I glanced over at the newly received cherry text that dripped in angst that I'd never expected from the talkative troll. His second set of confessions almost brought me to my knees. It was as if he was typing both his thoughts and his actions.

'Dripping eyes

mind's res9lve

Were we ever really friends?

N9 matter f9r l9st mind and s9ul

I know m9re than I pretend

If ever said,

W9rds splayed and spent

L9ve is fear under a veil

Tatt99ed hands with 6l99died hands

I just wanted to 6e friends'

"We were friends! I mean are! We are friends, Kankri, what wo+uld make yo+u think o+therwise?" I cry out, almost slamming my fists down on the keyboard instead of the table it rests on. "Dammit, Kanny, why can't yo+u just let me into+ yo+ur life no+w and then? I can't always be there to+ make sure yo+u are fine!" I knew no one was listening and I knew I was just being bitter. The text continued with a repetition of a previous line.

'And it scared y9u h9w tightly I was h9lding,

And it scared me t9 let g9

Y9u never t9ld me I was needed

Y9u just left me all al9ne

And it scared y9u h9w tightly I was h9lding,

And it scared me t9 let g9

I never th9ught that I was ready

I just lied t9 make y9u smile'

The lines were selfish and filled with a mix and self-pity and self-loathing. I hadn't realised until now that those tones accented everything about him. My mind wandered to one last time we spoke before tonight.

It was yesterday, the day before his wriggling day, that we had a last in person encounter. Looking back I think he was writing in a notebook. Could these have been the words he so fervently scribbled onto the worn page?

* * *

"Kanny? Why are yo+u sitting o+utside by yo+urself? That is very unlike yo+u." The hallowing troll looked up at his more curious than concerned friend as he quickly shut the notebook he had previously been writing in. As she prepared for a lengthy lecture on how rude it was to assume what actions one might take a short, almost resentful response caught her off guard.

"I'm 6usy. Please g9 away." The short message had more meaning in it than many of his winded speeches, but at the time the jade blood only saw the outer rudeness of the statement.

"Yo+u have no+ right to+ o+rder anyo+ne aro+und, Kankri! I'm surprised yo+u wo+uld say so+mething so+ triggering."

"Excuse me f9r n9t 6eing perfect!" He shot back in a rather defeated tone. Each word wavered with a hint of pain and sorrow that was mistaken for rage. The young mutant now stood up, red staring into jade that glared back as they waited in silence only a foot away from each other.

"Kankri Vantas, what is wro+ng with yo+u to+day? Why are yo+u acting like such a wriggler when yo+u are suppo+sedly gro+wing a sweep o+lder to+mo+rro+w?" The motherly troll almost hissed at her disobedient 'child', disappointment over looking the hurt she was causing. The troll in question dropped his head so messy locks of thick black hair fell to cover searing red eyes. He didn't move or acknowledge her presence in front of him as he muttered to himself.

"What wasn't wr9ng with me? What isn't wr9ng with me?"

"Speak up, Kankri, I can't hear yo+u when yo+u mumble." The stern woman ordered of the shaking boy, not noticing his discomfort through her fit of annoyance.

"It d9esn't matter! It never matters!" He shouted at his friend, dripping eyes meeting confused ones for a brief moment before he absconded back into his hive and locked the door.

"O+ne o+f these days yo+u will have to+ sto+p acting like a wriggler, Kankri. I ho+pe yo+u co+me to+ terms with that very so+o+n." The enraged mid-blood shouted through the front door, never knowing that the recipient sobbed on the other side of a door leading to the home and world he never belonged in.

* * *

I couldn't comprehend how I ever ignored the clear signs he'd shown. Tears trailed down my face as a new sound rung from the chat client. I leaned closer to see one last message typed in a way that scared me more than anything else. The text was black and empty. 'Goodbye.' Before I could respond the conversation ended and the account went offline. Without a second thought I was out of my room and sprinting to the door. Tears blurred my path as I ran toward his hive on the early morning of his wriggling day. I banged on the door and shouted for him, hearing a few of our friends stir within their hives surrounding his own. Eventually I forced the door open, Damara and Rufioh standing behind me in confusion. They were talking but I wasn't about to listen to them. I had someone else to listen to at the current moment whom I should have listen to a long time ago.

"Kankri! Kanny, please answer me!" More trolls of our group had gathered and regarded me as hysterical and disruptive. I opted to ignore them as I made my way through his somehow solemn hive to his respite block on the second floor. The door was left ajar and the notebook from earlier awaited my retrieval on the ground. In my rush and paranoia, I stepped over it and entered the room. The condition of the room froze me in my tracks as confused words were muttered in the hallway. Inside the room were words carved into the beautiful vermilion wallpaper I'd suggested for him. He had repeated the same phrases around the entirety of his room.

'Please give up on me'

'My eyes are not here now'

'Were we ever really friends?'

'We will never have our end'

The quirk-less words etched into the walls found themselves carved into my mind as Aranea tapped my shoulder. I gazed at her blankly, a notebook extended toward me. Taking it I saw the front page facing me as if he had folded it that way intentionally.

'I am sorry I burdened you, Porrim, I will leave you alone forever now.'

Brightly colour text cried out in front of me in his colour, a final message composed of blood he always said he had no problem with. The red faded to the black of a pen he'd dipped in blood and green tainted the white page as I saw everything I hadn't seen before. That fragile soul stood here no more than ten minutes ago with bloodied hands as he waited in his isolated prison for tattooed hands to save him.

"Kankri...I barely missed yo+u...No+w I'll always miss yo+u."


End file.
